Eulogy for The Champ

Today is a sad day, but a proud day. We are saying goodbye to our friend, Miss Diaper Champ. She's been with us since April of 2008, never wavering in her determination to keep our lives running as smooth and as fresh as possible.

Sure, there were days where we had our arguments, you didn't do your job, I was a little rough on you. I know now that your payback was shooting old wipes out the side of your head, laughing while I cursed you because, in my ignorance, I could not figure out how to make that stop.

You knew the end was coming when the diapers changed to pull ups, then the frequency tapered off. Other than the occasional accident, we've decided to make that bold move and terminate your service.

During our last session together, after I gave you a nice peppermint soap bath and talked about the nice storage space you'll be relocating to, I felt true respect for you. What a hard and thankless job. For now, enjoy your fragrance-free vacation until you're called back to the line of duty, either at our house or one of a friend who really needs your help. We salute you, Miss Diaper Champ.

Flop

On my long drive home from work, I pass through a former army base, now deserted. Grass grows over foundations, fences hold back broken trees from the old ice storm, people walk their dogs. Just as you pass over a new bridge with wrought iron lamp posts, you come up a big hill towards civilization. Right at the apex of two roads, I saw it.

It was one flip flop, in the middle of the road. I noticed it. The next day, it was still there, and so on for several days. Each day that I saw it, I thought more and more about it, the mystery behind it... why did one lone flip flop ended up without its mate lying in the center of the road?

Was someone dangling their feet out the back of a pickup truck, and it fell off? Did someone throw it out the car window in a brother/sister backseat spat? Did it fall out of the gym bag of someone on a bike?

The road begs mystery, with a little loneliness and despair. I continue to think how sad it is that something so necessary in a pair is now alone, by itself, its partner gone. Flop.

Four Obstacles to Writing

Here's a great illustration I thought you'd all enjoy by Tom Gauld (google him, he's great).

Cupid's Holiday

February 14th, ahhh, what other holiday wreaks havoc in the hearts of humans? Yes, Cupid’s Revenge. I have been on many sides of the fence, the optomistically romantic single, the married gal, the jaded and wounded divorcee, the married gal again. Overall, I resent February 14th as a day when unrealistic expectations and complicated emotional scenarios are stirring in the minds of single men and women everywhere. For many people (except those lucky people who don't let it get to them), it's stressful and self-destructive to your ego. Here's what the mental lowdown looks like on 2/14:

In scenario number 1, you can’t go out to dinner with the member of an opposite sex on that exact day because it MEANS something.

In scenario number 2, if you aren’t asked out by a member of the opposite sex it’s one lonely night at home and heck you ARE worthless.

In scenario 3, you’re hoping that someone you like asks you out, although you don’t want to admit being a romantic dork.

In scenario 4, when that person you like doesn’t ask you out, you optomistically realize they wouldn’t know quality if it was fused at the nuclear level to their brain.

In scenario 5, you just get avoid the day completely – do not listen to any TV or radio - the airwaves are wrought with diamond jewelry ads "for the one you love" and you settle in and read a magazine from last fall.

In scenario 6, you go to a party held by your friends or go out with a few buddies, safety in numbers. It's much more fun to celebrate friendship.

Protect yourself... pull your heart in nice and tight, wrap it up in foil and kryptonite, and just send out some nice emails and cards and hugs and blankets of non-committal love to your dear friends and family, married, single, or undecided, all whom you care about. It's about giving, isn't that right? It is nice to give, and it is nice to receive. Hang tough, peeps. Unless you get dumped on Valentine's Day (I did, thank you), it's just another Hallmark holiday.

The envelope please...

Okay, so now along with the recession and our limited income, the chance that my husband could be laid off at any time (though that has been the case now for about 9 years...), now comes another thrilling discovery for me to OBSESS over.

Recently, my husband applied for a new life insurance policy. The 10-year term policy had expired and we decided to convert to a "term plus" policy which would cover our expenses should the unthinkable occur, as well as build a small amount of equity over the next 20 years.

This afternoon my husband received a call from the life insurance agent. Apparently, the underwriters DENIED my husband coverage, they REJECTED him for the madenningly vague reason of "unusual levels due to kidney function." WTF?????

The insurance agent had no other information for us (due to privacy laws, thanks so much) and so now we just have to wait for THE LAB TO SEND US THE ENVELOPE IN THE MAIL! Then we can take whatever their results are to our doctor so that HE can decifer what (if anything) is wrong with my husband.

The thing that makes me nervous about all this is that insurance companies WANT your money. The only reason they would DENY you coverage is because they think you have something THAT MIGHT CAUSE YOU TO DIE EARLY, THEREBY MAKING THEM PAY.

So, for the next several days I get to wait for the mail truck while I cruise WEBMD, typing in vague phrases like "kidney function" and "irregular test results". I'll obsess about this until I know for sure just what the problem might be.

Cause that's just the kind of gal I am...

s o m e d a y

someday is a long, far away word
where patience doesn’t shine.

someday is a trip to Florida
where all your older brothers went…
you waited to go with your family,
and went with the kind neighbors instead.

someday is a corvette when I am 17…
and realizing when you are 16 and a half
that someday was only a white lie whispered,
so that I would look up to you, and love you forever.

someday is walking me down the aisle
in a fairytale wedding, a love that will last forever,
with grandchildren and the house at the shore
and suddenly, someday was no more.

someday is a place that will never be
the place that you want,
or the place you need it to be.

Things You Only Do Once

As experience makes all kinds of marks on your karmic bedpost, everyone has a short list of things they have done that they would never do again. Most folks refer to it as "a learning experience", which all of middle and high school can be chalked up to, but there are those key points that do stand out. The ones that you can still recall make you want to bury yourself in a hill in Idaho, not sure whether you want to be dug out or not later.

I had lunch with a friend yesterday, and the one that got brought up was 'sending the post-break-up letter'. Depending on what era you are from and when it first happened to you, the process is the same. You break up with someone (in my case it had been a boyfriend for 2.5 years), and that whole rest of the day and night you are upset about it. Remember the time we went camping, remember all the silly little nicknames, remember the (blah blah blah) and you're dying inside so you write a majestical letter weaving the tapestry of said relationship in all its splendor.

Then you go and do something dumb-ass. With puffy eyes you address stamp and mail the letter, (or hit SEND now), then crawl into bed.

The next morning you wake up, the sun greets the brand new day, you are filled with hope for starting over (yet again). Then you remember the letter. The simpering, whining, it's not you it's me... whatever you wrote you know that when they read it there is a strong possibility it sounds like you didn't want to break up with them at all (or they see the crack in the armor and OMG there is still a chance) and you're going to have to go back now and REITERATE everything again.

Writing the letter is imperative, NOT sending it important. (see my earlier posting The Draft).

What is something YOU can contribute that You Only Do Once? (no darwin awards please) Please Comment.